The Way Back IV – Obstacles

It’s been almost three weeks since my last post, which I apologize for. I have been making great strides though and have kept myself busy in a very positive way. I wasn’t planning on writing about this subject – I wanted to do something entirely different. I simply have to write about this though.

As regular readers of my old blog know, this isn’t the first depression I’m going through. It’s more like the fifth. I’ve now reached a point that I recognise from previous depressions, name that I gain more energy from being active than I lose. This has meant that I’m once again “exercising”. I say “exercising” because it’s on a very low level. Part of it Is actually being outside, playing with my nephew, who’s turning two in July.

This is great news of course and I’m very happy things are improving. Much of it is thanks to the decrease the dose of the anti-anxiety medication. What this will mean is that I’ll get out of the vicious circle.

Obviously, it’s not over yet. I still want to get rid of one of my antidepressants, at least. I only had one previous to this latest depression that started in early 2017. I also want to lower the dose on my pain medication when possible.

One big mistake, that I’m very much trying to avoid, is that it’s easy to try and go too fast and do too much at once.

This is more difficult than it might seem as you’ll see how much time you’ve “wasted” being depressed and not having not accomplished much. Then when they energy comes back, you want to make up for it.

Old obstacles make a comeback

Despite improvements, I did get a panic attack today. It was caused by an appointment I suddenly received yesterday, to – of course – the psychiatric unit, specifically a nurse there. I won’t rehash all of it here but basically, it took them one and a half year to get me a psychiatrist, meanwhile, I was on three antidepressants, two anti-anxiety. And (non-narcotic, non-addictive) sleeping aides. I still don’t have a psychologist. I’m supposed to get one privately that they’ll pay for. It was nearly six weeks ago that I let them know I had decided which one I wanted. And nothing.

The appointment today is in one hour and I had to take anti-anxiety medications to get through the next few hours. I’ve cancelled it obviously. All I feel like doing is to cry. I’ve given them so many chances – and every time I meet someone new, they feel I should do it again. They’ve all fallen through though and I just can’t take it anymore, the constant neglect, arrogance, false hope.

Non-profit charity organisation to the rescue

Instead of getting help from the public healthcare system – to which I pay a substantial amount of taxes – I’m getting help from a non-profit charity who’s going to pay for some sessions. When they mentioned this help would be offered in extreme cases, and I asked them about it, they said they were actually going to contact me, as they know I need help. I didn’t know what to do. I was so moved by it I did almost cry.

Then I have to sit there and listen to them explain that “everything doesn’t revolve around me, everything can’t happen in an instant, we have limited resources” and so on. They almost never call back like they promise. Their explanation: “Sometimes people forget”. Yeah, sometimes…

I won’t waste my energy – fuck ‘em

I’m not going waste more energy on this now – after this post, I’ll go back to playing The Division 2.

I can’t say that I’m completely done with them though, for several reasons. But I will have as little contact with them as possible. When I do have the energy, I’ll do everything in my power to make them pay (legally, this is not a threat…) for the way they’ve been treating me.

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