Improvements

Before moving on I want to mention that this post was written several weeks ago.

Roughly three to four weeks ago, I started to feel a lot better. I suddenly had more energy, I was more spontaneous. I don’t know why or why this change came about. It happened during the course of  just two days or so. I have many theories but I can’t say for sure. 

During my depression, it felt like my brain was wrapped with a dark, wet, cold blanket. I could see but it was always dim. Everything required so much energy. Something as simple as picking something up from the floor felt like a big deal, especially when I was having a decent day. I didn’t want to risk straying too far off the plan I had in mind and any interruption was a possible.

This might seem like a silly anecdote, but it’s not. I realise not everyone who reads this is a gamer but I hope my message gets across anyway. I started playing a new first-person shooter again on PC – Battlefield 5. FPS-games requires you to think fast and adapt. You can plan, but you have to be prepared to react as well. When I played during my depression, I’d run away, hide, heal up and then strike back. Now that I have more energy, this has changed entirely. I’m now using this game, and other FPS-games to keep improving.

I had a couple of weeks where I just had the energy to do things at home. I didn’t get tired when my nephew came over, I could play games even after he visited. (Playing video games requires a lot of energy, at least for me.) I started to organise my room again for the first time in a long time. 

Everything did improve very suddenly.

However…

… Now, I do have to fight to keep this feeling alive – which I have to – I can’t afford to lose it again. I have bad days and good days, something quite new for me.

I’ve had days where I’ve felt tired, like I did prior to this sudden change. However, I’ve bounced back. I’m looking for strategies to stay here, to not fall down the same black hole I’ve been living in for so long. This isn’t easy though, not after everything I’ve gone through.

I’m trying to find strategies, to find out what works and what doesn’t. Why I’m tired, what I should do to counter it. Trying not to freak out every time I get tired, thinking I’m about to be dragged down the hole again. 

I wrote a letter to myself when I was at my best, reminding me how I felt a few weeks ago. I’ve read it dozens of times already.

Today and yesterday

Yesterday and today, I’ve felt very tired. It’s been rough. Yesterday, I tried to power it through. It didn’t work, I didn’t have the energy. Being spontaneous isn’t easy when you have a depression and fatigue. It takes a lot of energy. Yesterday was a shit day.

Today, I woke up at 7 AM. I was tired though, so I ate some breakfast and went back to sleep for about an hour. And now, I’m feeling much better.

I’m not sure if that’s the cure every time I get tired, but it did work this time. What happens next is everyone’s guess though.

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